How do you survive?!

Oh, if I had a quarter for every time someone asked "How do you survive?"... I normally don't really answer the question because it's usually asked in the same context as "how are you doing?" - it's a question that people really just want a short, non-personal answer to.

But it never fails that when I am asked this infamous question, my thoughts go to what it takes to get four kids out the door and anywhere on time (and by on time, I mean less than 10 minutes late!).  I think of how I probably yelled at someone for not getting their shoes on when I asked them for the fourth time, or how I said a few choice words in my head when I picked up a child to haul them to the van only to get a whiff of their loaded diaper.  I think about how the "Hallelujah Chorus" plays in my head as I'm walking down the hallway after putting the last child to bed - (partly because I can have a little quiet time, but mostly because we made it through another day with all of us still alive).  When my brain is filled with all of these chaotic images, the answer to the question "How do you survive" is simply, "barely".

I guess in order to answer the question correctly, we need to define the word "survive"...  Webster's defines survive as "to remain alive or in existence; to continue to function or prosper".  So, yes, I have managed to keep the 5 of us (10 including the cats and the dog) alive while Quinn is flying.  And, yes, we do continue to function - in a stripped down, bare minimum sort of way.  Prosper?  I'm not sure about that!

Back to the question "How do I survive?"  To be honest, most days I really don't know!  I'm sure grace and mercy from God has something to do with it (okay, it has everything to do with it)!  But a few years ago, I realized that all I was doing while Quinn was gone was surviving - I wasn't prospering.  I started craving for something beyond survival - sure it's a great feat when I can go 10 days taking care of myself, 4 kids, 5 animals and the house all by myself and everyone comes out alive!  What does it take to go beyond just surviving - how do I make it to the end of the day with everyone alive and happy?

When Quinn is home, we make an amazing team and I feel like things fall beautifully into place.  When he is away, it just seems ugly most of the time - scraping and clawing our way through the day just to say that we survived yet another day (okay, maybe a little dramatic!).  My goal is not to replicate the same atmosphere whether Quinn is here or gone, because let's be real, we are one and when half of us isn't here, it just can't be the same.  My goal is to make things less ugly, to smile, to have fun, to relax, to choose my battles and laugh at the chaos. Achieving goals is a process, it doesn't just happen - it's making choices and changing habits.  This goal seems more achievable as the kids are getting older and most days I feel like I may just reach it!   My prayer is that when they are adults and look back at their childhood, they won't remember the ugly, they will know that they survived and they were happy.