Gratitude

It's no secret that this year has been a tough one for the Ballinger Family.  After nearly a year of being unemployed, Quinn accepted a job in August making about 1/3 of his previous salary and being away from home a lot more.  It's also no secret that this new job has been tougher on us than the year of unemployment was.  We are willing to go through this tough time, because we know that this is a stepping stone and will hopefully lead to a great job for Quinn.

Of course, we still have plenty to be grateful for - we are still living debt free, we have healthy children and we have the support of lots of family and friends.  We are blessed beyond measure, and there's not a day that goes by that we don't give thanks to God for what he's given us.  We know that people are dealing with a lot worse stuff than we ever have.

Gratitude, however, doesn't make all of our struggles go away.  I'm grateful for Quinn's job that will lead to greater things, I'm grateful for a marriage that seems to grow stronger with every passing year and I'm grateful for four beautiful children that make me laugh and challenge me on a daily basis.  These things are God's greatest blessings to me - but they are also the most challenging things in my life.  I've struggled for a long time with the thought that if we are grateful for something, we should never have a negative thought about it or complain about it.  I have a friend who struggled for a long time with fertility - when she finally had children (twins) she said that anytime she complained about being tired or about how hard caring for her babies were, people would say to her "but this is what you wanted"- like her gratitude for something she so deeply desired should erase all of the struggles that came with the blessing she'd been given.  Quinn and I encounter this attitude often - when we mention how difficult being a pilot family is, people tell us "be grateful you have a job".  Of course we are grateful that Quinn has a job that he loves - that doesn't mean it doesn't come with challenges.  Gratitude doesn't automatically erase my snarky attitude when I'm home alone with four sick kids or when we are running late for church because no matter how early I get up, it's just impossible to get all four kids and myself looking presentable on a Sunday morning.

The question I've wrestled with over the last several months is "Am I ungrateful?"  When I have a bad attitude because Quinn is a day late coming home or he has to leave earlier than expected, or when I'm nasty to Quinn when he calls in the middle of me making dinner and all four kids are melting down- does this represent ungratefulness?   After lots of prayer and self examination, I've come to the conclusion that these things don't mean I'm ungrateful for the life we've been blessed with.  It may mean that I am being a brat and that I need to work on my attitude a little! What it does mean is that the best things in life often require hard work.  Hard work is... well, hard and ugly and not always pleasant.

Today my best friend asked "what do you need?  what can I do for you?".  What I needed from her at that moment was to listen to me complain without judgement and without reminding me to be grateful, because I do recognize these struggles for what they are - God's gift to me.  I know that He is molding me to be stronger and more patient so that He can use me for His good.  But gratitude doesn't stop my human nature from wanting to stomp my feet and refuse to do what's hard!  But I will do it, I will get through it and be all the better for it.  In a few years, I'll look back at this time in my life and think "Jeez, Ericka, you were such a baby!"