defeating doubt - my messy, beautiful

We've all questioned our actions or doubted the decisions we've made.  I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself "What was I thinking?"

What was I thinking when I married a pilot?

What was I thinking having all of these kids?

What was I thinking accepting that job?

What was I thinking accepting another job?

What was I thinking saying yes to help that person?

Really, Ericka?!  Do you ever think?

When I start to get overwhelmed because I have a husband who is flying around the world while I have a million things on my to-do list and four kids that think I should feed them three times a day - every day, doubt starts creeping in.  Doubt is that little voice that tells me..

You don't know what you're doing.

You are in way over your head.

This is never going to work.

You're a horrible mom.

Do you ever clean your house?

That voice gets louder and louder and She. Just. Won't. Shut. Up. She's always waiting with a snarky answer to all of those "what were you thinking" questions.  She's that annoying person who is always negative and pessimistic.  She knows my weaknesses and exactly how to push my buttons.  She knows the more stressed I get, the more I'll listen to her.

I've just recently realized this relationship I have with doubt for what it is - unhealthy.  Doubt gets in between me and whatever God is asking of me.  Even when I've achieved what others would deem success, she reminds me I could be better, I could have done more.

Our relationship is cyclical.  Sometimes I can control how I react to her, I can tell her to shut up and choose not to believe her.  Other times, I let her beat me down.  I believe all of the nasty things she says to me.  I let her distract me from what I am supposed to be doing.

Unfortunately, wherever Doubt goes, she always brings her friend Fear.  Fear can paralyze us.  When they work together, they can prevent us from doing what's good and what's right.  They distract us from our relationship with the One who can obliterate them both.

I'm beginning to learn how to keep Doubt at bay.  It takes practice and discipline and prayer.  I'll never be rid of her completely - she's a part of my human nature.  When she sees that I'm doing something good or something that could potentially glorify God, she'll fight hard to bring me down.  Sometimes, she might win.  

I'm learning that in order to conquer doubt, I've got to forgive my mistakes and move on.  I need to stop comparing myself to others.  I need to believe that when God calls me to do something, He's not going to leave me hanging - He will be there every step of the way - If I let Him.  

We all struggle with Doubt.  We all return to that unhealthy relationship when we feel overwhelmed.  And while she will always be a part of our lives, we can choose not to let her control us.  We can choose to focus on a relationship with the One who will strengthen us, empower us and love us unconditionally.  With Him, we are good enough.  We are loved.  We can do all things.

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!