Intentional Parenting

A while ago, I read a blog that mentioned "intentional parenting".  This wasn't the topic of the blog, and I honestly can't remember what the blog was about or who wrote it.  But the phrase "intentional parenting" resonated with me.

The definition of intentional is done on purpose; deliberate. I've been doing some sole searching and asking myself what it means to be more intentional in my parenting... Unfortunately, I've come to the realization that I fall very short.  With Quinn gone 2/3 of the time, I often struggle to see to it that the kids' basic needs are met.  I get the kids to school, I go to work (or go back home and work), come home and go through the evening routine robotically just counting down the hours and minutes until bedtime.  I fulfill my duties of caretaker - but do I make a deliberate attempt at parenting them?  Unfortunately, the answer is no.  As the kids get older, I realize that along with the freedom of them entertaining themselves there's also more opportunity to miss out on those small moments to connect with them.

Being intentional to me means sitting down at the Lego table with Alex and let him show me piece by piece how he made his latest creation.  It means closing the laptop and listening to a 30 minute play-by-play of a 10 minute dodgeball game Elijah played in P.E.- because if it's important enough for a 12 year boy old to talk about for 30 minutes, then I need to make sure it's important to me.  This also means putting down my book or my iPad and actually watching Frozen with Emma for the four thousandth time- because being able to sing the songs with her and quote every line means something to her.

When I get bored of their stories, their questions and their interests, I need to remind myself that this is big stuff to them.  I may be weighed down with a million other things that are so much bigger (according to the world) than their stuff, but it's big to them.  I'll admit that more often than not, I fall short of being intentional.  I go through the motions and at the end of the day realize I did what I had to do to survive and I wasn't deliberate about connecting with them.  It's then that I pray for grace and strength and strive to do better tomorrow.  Thankfully, those four little blessings of mine are full of grace and give me an unlimited amount of chances to do better!

Gratitude

It's no secret that this year has been a tough one for the Ballinger Family.  After nearly a year of being unemployed, Quinn accepted a job in August making about 1/3 of his previous salary and being away from home a lot more.  It's also no secret that this new job has been tougher on us than the year of unemployment was.  We are willing to go through this tough time, because we know that this is a stepping stone and will hopefully lead to a great job for Quinn.

Of course, we still have plenty to be grateful for - we are still living debt free, we have healthy children and we have the support of lots of family and friends.  We are blessed beyond measure, and there's not a day that goes by that we don't give thanks to God for what he's given us.  We know that people are dealing with a lot worse stuff than we ever have.

Gratitude, however, doesn't make all of our struggles go away.  I'm grateful for Quinn's job that will lead to greater things, I'm grateful for a marriage that seems to grow stronger with every passing year and I'm grateful for four beautiful children that make me laugh and challenge me on a daily basis.  These things are God's greatest blessings to me - but they are also the most challenging things in my life.  I've struggled for a long time with the thought that if we are grateful for something, we should never have a negative thought about it or complain about it.  I have a friend who struggled for a long time with fertility - when she finally had children (twins) she said that anytime she complained about being tired or about how hard caring for her babies were, people would say to her "but this is what you wanted"- like her gratitude for something she so deeply desired should erase all of the struggles that came with the blessing she'd been given.  Quinn and I encounter this attitude often - when we mention how difficult being a pilot family is, people tell us "be grateful you have a job".  Of course we are grateful that Quinn has a job that he loves - that doesn't mean it doesn't come with challenges.  Gratitude doesn't automatically erase my snarky attitude when I'm home alone with four sick kids or when we are running late for church because no matter how early I get up, it's just impossible to get all four kids and myself looking presentable on a Sunday morning.

The question I've wrestled with over the last several months is "Am I ungrateful?"  When I have a bad attitude because Quinn is a day late coming home or he has to leave earlier than expected, or when I'm nasty to Quinn when he calls in the middle of me making dinner and all four kids are melting down- does this represent ungratefulness?   After lots of prayer and self examination, I've come to the conclusion that these things don't mean I'm ungrateful for the life we've been blessed with.  It may mean that I am being a brat and that I need to work on my attitude a little! What it does mean is that the best things in life often require hard work.  Hard work is... well, hard and ugly and not always pleasant.

Today my best friend asked "what do you need?  what can I do for you?".  What I needed from her at that moment was to listen to me complain without judgement and without reminding me to be grateful, because I do recognize these struggles for what they are - God's gift to me.  I know that He is molding me to be stronger and more patient so that He can use me for His good.  But gratitude doesn't stop my human nature from wanting to stomp my feet and refuse to do what's hard!  But I will do it, I will get through it and be all the better for it.  In a few years, I'll look back at this time in my life and think "Jeez, Ericka, you were such a baby!"

Breakfast with Daddy

I have no idea how pilot families survived back before the days of Skype and FaceTime! Since school got out, our new favorite thing is Breakfast with Daddy! When he is out, Quinn makes every effort to contact us during breakfast. We set the iPad up on the table so everyone can see each other and Quinn joins the kids for breakfast! This sweet time is completely worth getting a few drops of milk on my iPad!(from "sharing" cereal with daddy)

Without giving too much credit to Apple, I do have to say that the iPhone and the iPad have made Quinn's time away so much easier on all of us! The other day, the kids were talking to Quinn via FaceTime when he was in Japan - I walked out of the room for a few minutes, when I came back in Quinn was demonstrating all of the gadgets on his "fancy toilet" to the kids! It had a heated seat and three different spray options which Quinn was more than happy to press each button so he could hear the kids giggle as water sprayed out of the toilet. I'm sure that to the average family, this seems like strange entertainment, but to us, it's a way for the kids to be connected to their dad and to bridge the gap of our two different worlds. Whether it's a tour of his hotel room, sharing the view from his window or standing outside the hotel in a typhoon to show the kids (yes, he did that!) it makes daddy seem not so far away!

In the reverse, it gives Quinn a chance to take part in the ordinary parts of our day. Whether it's sharing a meal with us, watching Dora with Emma, seeing Elijah and Isaac's latest Lego creation or watching Alex play with trucks on the floor, Quinn gets the chance to feel connected. As I type this, I realize how absurd it is and how our kids will probably have to go to therapy as adults to work out the fact that their daddy was in the form of an iPad half of the time...but for now, it works and our FaceTime moments with daddy brighten our day! So for now, we will pretend it's perfectly normal to hug and kiss the iPad goodnight, to offer bites of our food to the iPad, or to yell "Daddy's here!" when we hear the FaceTime alert! Now if I could only figure out how to make it work so that "iPad Daddy" can watch the kids while I go have coffee with a girlfriend! Surely there's an app for that...